..brambles

I feel I'm at a stand still with myself, perhaps I have been for a long time.

I don't feel like I'm growing or changing much, sort of like a stale cracker?


Still apathetic. Still boring. Still selfish. Still stagnant.



STILL.


Am I so without movement and fluidity in my actions and emotions that I'm doing nothing? I think so.
Am I at the point where I feel like it's easier to not care. In a way, yes. But I do care... it's the changing that's challenging while still remaining consistent in my choices. Though, I AM consistent in my bad choices and habits.




Spiritually, emotionally, physically... I remain unchallenged because I refuse it. I push aside simple, tiny steps of improvement because it's 'too much'. When really, by not taking those steps I suffer. As do those closest to me.

I am, without much doubt, sinking further into myself... drowning because I refuse to use my skill to swim.

I have been challenged, I SEE that there are issues in my life... but why am I not taking the spurring on to change?

Christ as my motivation I feel I could do so much more to be better and feel better. But I'm not sowing that like I should, I don't cultivate that relationship like I should.

It's hurting me most. It's hurting me deepest... and from that hurt I shed splinters of pain into other peoples' lives.

Selfishness is an easy, terrible thing and I need to constantly battle against it... because when I let my guard down, that is when it wins.