Restless

I should be better by now, knowing when nights like this are going to happen..

  I haven't written here in a while, and I do so now because I'm emotionally high strung at 20 past midnight trying to type this out on my android that currently is against me. I've been in lull for an awfully long time.. One of the terrible, drifting along with life kinds. Unmotivated with this beautiful, yet evermore terrible, world. I'm not building on relationships, I'm not taking out real God time..I'm just depressive, angsty me.

 Which drives me to cry my wee heart out about stuff that I'm still sad about.. Like, even though I moved to Australia and married my precious husband, nearly 3 years later I'm still sad that most of my friends and family couldn't be there.
 My dearest mother and my lovely friend Rebecca came as my American support. I am so grateful for the sacrifices they made to be there, and yet feel guilty about others losing their ability to be there of account of me suddenly getting married in Aus instead of Alaska.
 I'm still angry that I haven't kept better contact with my friends in the States, but I know selfishly I avoid it because it makes my heart ache.
 And because of some of those things, I hold back here. I don't emotionally invest as friends here because I'm afraid and extremely lazy.
 I neglect getting to know my brothers' in law and the beautiful girls that love them because of stupid comfortableness and stupid sucking at communicating generally..

 These things I really need to push past, because it only makes things miserable.

 I miss my family, I miss that they can't be actively involved in seeing my child grow up,
 I'm sad that I'm missing out on my siblings getting bigger and awesome-r.

 But even in all these words, and tears, and aching heart-ness.. I know I am loved by God. I know he has a plan that will take time to see more clearly. I know that whatever mood or circumstance I'm in, He wants me as I am.
Broken, dirty, and lost.


I have said these things to you, that in me you may have peace. In the world you will have tribulation. But take heart; I have overcome the world.” John 16:33