My thoughts on my life concerning Jesus. (messy, but they're just rough thoughts :) )

Here is a long version for those of you who'd like to read.

Since I was a small girl I've always know about Jesus, I've known that He loves me. My parents were (and still are!) Christians, yes. Imperfect like the rest of humanity with their own flaws, I also have similar flaws and some uniquely my own. I know that everything good about my personality and character is due to the upbringing by Christian parents and loving Jesus.{ I do believe you can have a lovely character without having Christian parents and without following Jesus.. I know many people who are seemingly kinder than lots of Christians.. which is sad.. because we should be wanting to be like Jesus. }
When I was 5 years old (I believe roughly around that age) I asked Jesus into my heart, I asked him to be my savior.

I suppose I didn't fully understand what that meant, though I did love Jesus. I didn't doubt his existence either. If anything, I have experience childlike faith and it's beautiful.

Around this age and a bit older I had experienced somethings I understood FAR less, has no real grasp on the wrong or right of it..
My mother used to watch these kids, and I don't really know the other girls side of the story, if she had been sexually abused before (which I'm assuming so.. it would make the most sense), and I was caught in the hurricane of it.. the after effect of the innocence of a child being misused.
I didn't understand what was happening then, and I won't go into details but I know I haven't imagined it. These would be the first of other experiences, but I'm not the victim. How could we have known better when we didn't understand what we were doing? Only children.

Anyways, I doubt this had any serious effect on me till later on when I remembered what had happened and wondered if it had anything to do with my self esteem issues.


At 11 I saw a pornographic image on the computer for the first time, something happened with me trying to get to the Care Bears website to play games, must have mixed up a word.. and BAM! Burned into your brain forever. I did tell my mom, but I'd carry it with me.. and end up struggling not to look up these girls who'd sold themselves short, I'd look them up to compare myself.. my normal, imperfect not fully done growing body to the photohacked, airbrushed images that are so easy to find.

Needless to say I struggled with self esteem issues. I hated my body, and only now do I realize the reasons I would skip breakfast  or wait all day to eat till dinner. I thought it would make me be 'perfect'. 

"What does this have to do with anything?" Well, it'll come together, just wait :)

At 13 years old I went to a church camp held at Camp Davidson in Oregon. That's when I dedicated my life to fully following Christ. I knew from then on how ALIVE He was, that he sacrificed himself on the cross to save me from my sins, from being forever cut off by God. He sacrificed himself so I could be loved, eternally by my Creator.

Let's fast forward a bit, when I was 17 I met the man I would marry, at 18. He's a Christian, he is also not perfect either. So we make mistakes together, but really it's awesome to see how we can challenge each other to grow into better, more joyful people :)
  Roughly a year into our marriage we decided we wanted to have a baby! We were so excited when we fell pregnant we told his family and mine when I was about 6 weeks along, basically the day after we told them... I started to lose our child. That is probably the most devastating thing I have ever endured.
And no.. just because you're a Christian doesn't mean things get easy or that bad things don't happen. Bad things happen because of the choices we make, bad stuff happens because the world is fallen.


I wanted to share some of the things that happened to me, I've had pain.. I still struggle with feeling like I'm not physically as good as everyone else. I still struggle feeling worthy. But I KNOW my God loves me, I know He treasures what I don't see as beautiful. He's got me through these times through His word, through the strength of Godly, imperfect human beings who are trying to be like Jesus and follow him, my friends.

You feel peace when you're at your most terrible times, you've got strength when you're falling to pieces.
You know you're loved when everyone else rejects or neglects you. If you rely on Him, you get through. You have hope and peace.


I know this isn't eloquent or well put together, and veeerrrry rough. But these are my thoughts, these are my experiences and I'm more than happy to answer questions you might have.
I don't want these to be treated as secrets, if you have questions about whatever please ask me.



^"35 Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? Shall tribulation, or distress, or persecution, or famine, or nakedness, or danger, or sword? ³⁶ As it is written,

“For your sake we are being killed all the day long;
    we are regarded as sheep to be slaughtered.”

³⁷ No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us. ³⁸ For I am sure that neither death nor life, nor angels nor rulers, nor things present nor things to come, nor powers, ³⁹ nor height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God in Christ Jesus our Lord."

Romans 8:35-39

"So if the Son sets you free, you will be free indeed."

John 8:36

Being Brave; thoughts.

I was pondering bravery,... well, rather I was wondering if I am a brave person.

I'll kill things (bugs) for people who are afraid. I'll do little things, things that aren't truly important. Like, I rarely find the ability to stand my ground on things I feel strongly in. Its as if the words are there, but my mouth is glued shut.

I remember when my sister and I were young, the neighbor girls picked on her and I did nothing, didn't defend her. But as soon as either of us would tell off one of the girls, the other sister would step in and tell us off...

I wonder how greatly I let fear and wanting to be accepted rule me. I'm afraid to say things that are in defense of my Christian friends because I don't want to make them look foolish or end up in the cross fire.

I think if I really sought after God's opinion I would be very brave. I wouldn't mind what others though, I mean.. I still feel like a dimwit after speaking my mind in bible study weeks ago. Perhaps it's because I wasn't careful with what I was saying... or perhaps I guard my words and rarely speak that I am still in shell shock that I said anything :P


Also, I reckon I speak openly at the wrong times, when I put my defense up and get the claws out. When the anxiety of being belittled or emotionally crushed is (seemingly) in the horizon, my thought process goes down the poop shoot and tada! Big ol' not think mess. Great, a jumble of fear, anger, and annoyance spill out like venom targeting straight for the soul.. 'like a two-edged sword'.


I think the key here to all of this is probably self-control, it does seem that it would describe 'keeping yourself from doing something' BUT it also encompasses 'DOING something you know you're meant to do'.

Ahhh, to ramble. <3