Restless

I should be better by now, knowing when nights like this are going to happen..

  I haven't written here in a while, and I do so now because I'm emotionally high strung at 20 past midnight trying to type this out on my android that currently is against me. I've been in lull for an awfully long time.. One of the terrible, drifting along with life kinds. Unmotivated with this beautiful, yet evermore terrible, world. I'm not building on relationships, I'm not taking out real God time..I'm just depressive, angsty me.

 Which drives me to cry my wee heart out about stuff that I'm still sad about.. Like, even though I moved to Australia and married my precious husband, nearly 3 years later I'm still sad that most of my friends and family couldn't be there.
 My dearest mother and my lovely friend Rebecca came as my American support. I am so grateful for the sacrifices they made to be there, and yet feel guilty about others losing their ability to be there of account of me suddenly getting married in Aus instead of Alaska.
 I'm still angry that I haven't kept better contact with my friends in the States, but I know selfishly I avoid it because it makes my heart ache.
 And because of some of those things, I hold back here. I don't emotionally invest as friends here because I'm afraid and extremely lazy.
 I neglect getting to know my brothers' in law and the beautiful girls that love them because of stupid comfortableness and stupid sucking at communicating generally..

 These things I really need to push past, because it only makes things miserable.

 I miss my family, I miss that they can't be actively involved in seeing my child grow up,
 I'm sad that I'm missing out on my siblings getting bigger and awesome-r.

 But even in all these words, and tears, and aching heart-ness.. I know I am loved by God. I know he has a plan that will take time to see more clearly. I know that whatever mood or circumstance I'm in, He wants me as I am.
Broken, dirty, and lost.


I have said these things to you, that in me you may have peace. In the world you will have tribulation. But take heart; I have overcome the world.” John 16:33

..brambles

I feel I'm at a stand still with myself, perhaps I have been for a long time.

I don't feel like I'm growing or changing much, sort of like a stale cracker?


Still apathetic. Still boring. Still selfish. Still stagnant.



STILL.


Am I so without movement and fluidity in my actions and emotions that I'm doing nothing? I think so.
Am I at the point where I feel like it's easier to not care. In a way, yes. But I do care... it's the changing that's challenging while still remaining consistent in my choices. Though, I AM consistent in my bad choices and habits.




Spiritually, emotionally, physically... I remain unchallenged because I refuse it. I push aside simple, tiny steps of improvement because it's 'too much'. When really, by not taking those steps I suffer. As do those closest to me.

I am, without much doubt, sinking further into myself... drowning because I refuse to use my skill to swim.

I have been challenged, I SEE that there are issues in my life... but why am I not taking the spurring on to change?

Christ as my motivation I feel I could do so much more to be better and feel better. But I'm not sowing that like I should, I don't cultivate that relationship like I should.

It's hurting me most. It's hurting me deepest... and from that hurt I shed splinters of pain into other peoples' lives.

Selfishness is an easy, terrible thing and I need to constantly battle against it... because when I let my guard down, that is when it wins.

Apathy

I feel like I'm stuck in a 'middle ground' sort of place.

A place in between obsessively caring and ignoring it all.

Ever since I moved over from the States, I've had a hard time finding a good balance putting time into talking to/writing to those I call friends who live in America and the friends here that I spend time with.

I used to feel like any of my efforts were not enough and I was sad that I could be with all the people I liked, but I've fallen into this place where I give less than a half-hearted effort into anyone.
Instead of making people feel loved, I've worried too much about the details and everything has gone to waste.

I do love all these people that have touched my life. I have plenty of excuses to not try harder to contact people, but laziness and apathy have to be the real reasons.

It's like I'm stuck in a place where I can't move on, where being 16 was just yesterday and relationships are all the same. But everyone else has surely moved on a bit, whether with new people or careers, family etc.
I have a family now, where I didn't used to.. but maybe I'm just refusing to grow up?

I'd like to say it's easy to change, find the perfect balance, and get things back right where everyone feels how I really and truly feel for them.

But the truth is, I'm not sure I'm ready.. and I can clearly admit I'm much more selfish than I want to be.

I love my family...

No, Seriously.. I really love my family.

My sister's status on facebook was about making a fort in the living room and watching Jurassic Park.
(Cue the flood gates)

I moved to Australia to get married to my gorgeous husband, it's been tough though.. being so far away from my parents and siblings. I have a deep love in my heart for them.. even though I can accurately say I've treated them like poop from time to time and I have come to realize just how good I had it when I was there.

My hear morns the fact that I couldn't see it more clearly. Hindsight is a bittersweet friend..

I love it though, because I can see how blessed I am, too. Even with the months of crying like every other day the first year I was here. ( .. >.> ) God has a plan. Steven's family is very different to mine, again.. a big challenge in itself to get used to new people. I'm more naturally reserved.. they are not. (A household with boys dominating.. it shouldn't have been that big of a shock)But as time has gone buy, nearly 3 years now, I have got to know them a bit better! Though, I have slowed that process by turning into a clam and hiding away, sheltering my heart from any possible rejections or misunderstandings (Which makes things WORSE. not better.. just in case you were wondering).

I hope that even though I am here and my siblings are far away, that I might be able to make forts and watch movies with my Australian ones just the same. If I'm honest I can say it'll have been more for my benefit then for their own :P

Also, my Momma posted this on her facebook not long ago. It was a bit convicting, because I do this.

Well, the way I interpreted this to apply on myself (cool thing about music, it can apply to anyone.. but perhaps not in the same way as yourself) was that I need to love others without the fear of rejection or being misunderstood or wanting that love to be returned to me. I need to love others selflessly and not runaway from the possible pain that it could bring.

Just a bit of a ramble, I like blogging.. it's like venting but no one can interrupt! BWAHAHA!

My thoughts on my life concerning Jesus. (messy, but they're just rough thoughts :) )

Here is a long version for those of you who'd like to read.

Since I was a small girl I've always know about Jesus, I've known that He loves me. My parents were (and still are!) Christians, yes. Imperfect like the rest of humanity with their own flaws, I also have similar flaws and some uniquely my own. I know that everything good about my personality and character is due to the upbringing by Christian parents and loving Jesus.{ I do believe you can have a lovely character without having Christian parents and without following Jesus.. I know many people who are seemingly kinder than lots of Christians.. which is sad.. because we should be wanting to be like Jesus. }
When I was 5 years old (I believe roughly around that age) I asked Jesus into my heart, I asked him to be my savior.

I suppose I didn't fully understand what that meant, though I did love Jesus. I didn't doubt his existence either. If anything, I have experience childlike faith and it's beautiful.

Around this age and a bit older I had experienced somethings I understood FAR less, has no real grasp on the wrong or right of it..
My mother used to watch these kids, and I don't really know the other girls side of the story, if she had been sexually abused before (which I'm assuming so.. it would make the most sense), and I was caught in the hurricane of it.. the after effect of the innocence of a child being misused.
I didn't understand what was happening then, and I won't go into details but I know I haven't imagined it. These would be the first of other experiences, but I'm not the victim. How could we have known better when we didn't understand what we were doing? Only children.

Anyways, I doubt this had any serious effect on me till later on when I remembered what had happened and wondered if it had anything to do with my self esteem issues.


At 11 I saw a pornographic image on the computer for the first time, something happened with me trying to get to the Care Bears website to play games, must have mixed up a word.. and BAM! Burned into your brain forever. I did tell my mom, but I'd carry it with me.. and end up struggling not to look up these girls who'd sold themselves short, I'd look them up to compare myself.. my normal, imperfect not fully done growing body to the photohacked, airbrushed images that are so easy to find.

Needless to say I struggled with self esteem issues. I hated my body, and only now do I realize the reasons I would skip breakfast  or wait all day to eat till dinner. I thought it would make me be 'perfect'. 

"What does this have to do with anything?" Well, it'll come together, just wait :)

At 13 years old I went to a church camp held at Camp Davidson in Oregon. That's when I dedicated my life to fully following Christ. I knew from then on how ALIVE He was, that he sacrificed himself on the cross to save me from my sins, from being forever cut off by God. He sacrificed himself so I could be loved, eternally by my Creator.

Let's fast forward a bit, when I was 17 I met the man I would marry, at 18. He's a Christian, he is also not perfect either. So we make mistakes together, but really it's awesome to see how we can challenge each other to grow into better, more joyful people :)
  Roughly a year into our marriage we decided we wanted to have a baby! We were so excited when we fell pregnant we told his family and mine when I was about 6 weeks along, basically the day after we told them... I started to lose our child. That is probably the most devastating thing I have ever endured.
And no.. just because you're a Christian doesn't mean things get easy or that bad things don't happen. Bad things happen because of the choices we make, bad stuff happens because the world is fallen.


I wanted to share some of the things that happened to me, I've had pain.. I still struggle with feeling like I'm not physically as good as everyone else. I still struggle feeling worthy. But I KNOW my God loves me, I know He treasures what I don't see as beautiful. He's got me through these times through His word, through the strength of Godly, imperfect human beings who are trying to be like Jesus and follow him, my friends.

You feel peace when you're at your most terrible times, you've got strength when you're falling to pieces.
You know you're loved when everyone else rejects or neglects you. If you rely on Him, you get through. You have hope and peace.


I know this isn't eloquent or well put together, and veeerrrry rough. But these are my thoughts, these are my experiences and I'm more than happy to answer questions you might have.
I don't want these to be treated as secrets, if you have questions about whatever please ask me.



^"35 Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? Shall tribulation, or distress, or persecution, or famine, or nakedness, or danger, or sword? ³⁶ As it is written,

“For your sake we are being killed all the day long;
    we are regarded as sheep to be slaughtered.”

³⁷ No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us. ³⁸ For I am sure that neither death nor life, nor angels nor rulers, nor things present nor things to come, nor powers, ³⁹ nor height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God in Christ Jesus our Lord."

Romans 8:35-39

"So if the Son sets you free, you will be free indeed."

John 8:36

Being Brave; thoughts.

I was pondering bravery,... well, rather I was wondering if I am a brave person.

I'll kill things (bugs) for people who are afraid. I'll do little things, things that aren't truly important. Like, I rarely find the ability to stand my ground on things I feel strongly in. Its as if the words are there, but my mouth is glued shut.

I remember when my sister and I were young, the neighbor girls picked on her and I did nothing, didn't defend her. But as soon as either of us would tell off one of the girls, the other sister would step in and tell us off...

I wonder how greatly I let fear and wanting to be accepted rule me. I'm afraid to say things that are in defense of my Christian friends because I don't want to make them look foolish or end up in the cross fire.

I think if I really sought after God's opinion I would be very brave. I wouldn't mind what others though, I mean.. I still feel like a dimwit after speaking my mind in bible study weeks ago. Perhaps it's because I wasn't careful with what I was saying... or perhaps I guard my words and rarely speak that I am still in shell shock that I said anything :P


Also, I reckon I speak openly at the wrong times, when I put my defense up and get the claws out. When the anxiety of being belittled or emotionally crushed is (seemingly) in the horizon, my thought process goes down the poop shoot and tada! Big ol' not think mess. Great, a jumble of fear, anger, and annoyance spill out like venom targeting straight for the soul.. 'like a two-edged sword'.


I think the key here to all of this is probably self-control, it does seem that it would describe 'keeping yourself from doing something' BUT it also encompasses 'DOING something you know you're meant to do'.

Ahhh, to ramble. <3

Sanctified.. just a little thinking typed out.

I want to live a life of loving on people, constantly reminding myself that none of us is beyond redemption and no one is immune to eternal suffering.
We could always be in that other person's shoes. We could always be that person that made a horrible choice to cause someone else to suffer.
Jesus is a redeemer, Jesus is a lover, He made the way for us to be free from our burdens. And all we have to do is accept it.

I don't always make the right choices, I don't always want to do the right thing. But I know who I should be like, and I know I'm loved even though I don't deserve to be.


1 Corinthians 6:9-11
^"9Or do you not know that the unrighteous will not inherit the kingdom of God? Do not be deceived: neither the sexually immoral, nor idolaters, nor adulterers, nor men who practice homosexuality,¹⁰nor thieves, nor the greedy, nor drunkards, nor revilers, nor swindlers will inherit the kingdom of God. ¹¹And^C)"> such were some of you. But you were washed, you were sanctified, you were justified in the name of the Lord Jesus Christ and by the Spirit of our God."

I guess I've just had this verse on my mind and heart for a while. I'd been thinking about how we are so quick to be judgemental and we forget our own short comings so easily when we can point the finger at someone else. We separate our badness from other peoples badness and say that they are worse. Yes, the world does treat things/punish differently for different crimes. Like murder, etc (which sometimes, people get longer time in prison for stealing.. our world is a corrupt place). But God sees us as the same. We all do things that are unjust, selfish, and hateful. God disapproves of them all and we should be getting a good beat down. Just because our badness is 'less bad', doesn't mean we don't deserve to be punished.

But in steps God's love and mercy. He gives us Jesus and says "You know what, you've really hurt me. You do the wrong thing all the time, I give you instructions, restrictions, etc. Make things easier on you and you still can't get it right. BUT! Because I'm so huge, unfathomable, terrible, awesome, mighty, holy, righteous, beyond any description you can come up with in your human comprehension, I'll send Jesus. He'll be the way that I can be connected with you and have a relationship with you again. Because my love is so vast and deeply amazing for you."

If God, who has every right to knock us silly for all the stuff we do everyday but doesn't because He loves us and he see the sacrifice of Jesus over us, loves us then what right do we have to withhold love from others?

We really need to look at ourselves, it's SO easy to be self-righteous, be the glittery, pretty gold cup on the outside and where the drink is held is completely, putrid disgustingness.

Jesus came down on the hypocrites, the pharisees, people who made it all show, but their hearts where all twisted up and defunked. Jesus ate with and loved on the people the pharisees thought of as scum. He went against everything that was culturally 'acceptable' so he could reach out and love.

Yah, I think Jesus is epically amazing and God is especially gracious to us. What are we going to do about that?

I know I have SO much to work on and am far away from what I should be doing and who I should be. But I've got love. I have a redeemer and that gives me Hope!